Monday, June 3, 2013

The dream.

Today has been a rough day emotionally for me.

Making the decision to leave the man child had a lot of repercussions. Mainly ones involving the kids.

My dream after having my daughter was to stay home till she got in school, and possible homeschool her for the first couple of years, then my son was born and that dream was even more important to me. I love being at home. I wanted to teach them how to read, write, do math, etc. I used to take them to the park, zoo, do crafts, and be more involved with their day to day lives.

Now I work full time, and I don't have them for half the week. It has taken a lot of adjusting on both the kids and myself. I am thinking its harder for me, than them, because kids adjust easier than a grown adult. I hate that they have had to adjust though. I did not want this for them. I wanted them to have a happy home with two parents.

I'm tired, I'm stressed, and sometimes the kids take the brunt of my worries and stress. Thankfully, I now only have one job. I was working two jobs and working ALL the time. It was exhausting. Not to mention the drama MC would and still does try to create. I'm still really busy during the week though, but I am very thankful to have the whole weekend off. Having a 8-5, Monday-Friday job has been the biggest blessing.

Although, I don't know how to deal with the guilt. As I reading my kids their bedtime story, I just wanted to hold them and cry and apologize for not giving them everything they deserve. They deserve a mom who is there for them full time, and I am not saying not working, but one that they can live with all the time. They also deserve that for a father.

On the other hand, they deserve a happy home. One that is not full of anger, stress, tension, and depression. Children are so intuitive, and feed off all those feelings. So, in my mind, I know that this situation is the best thing for their well beings, but my heart wishes they never had to go through the heartbreak of the people they love the most splitting apart.

One positive is that they are young, they will mostly remember mommy and daddy being apart.

It is so hard and so emotional.

All I want is for my children is to be happy, to be loved, and not struggle. Even though I cannot be there for them as much as I would like to be, I want them to know I will always be there for them. They will always be number one. They will come before any man, person, or job.

I found this little prayer on Pinterest, and I this is how I feel every day. I hope they will grow up to be healthy, happy, confident, and loving adults. All I can do is try, and I am going to try my best.

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