Monday, June 3, 2013

The dream.

Today has been a rough day emotionally for me.

Making the decision to leave the man child had a lot of repercussions. Mainly ones involving the kids.

My dream after having my daughter was to stay home till she got in school, and possible homeschool her for the first couple of years, then my son was born and that dream was even more important to me. I love being at home. I wanted to teach them how to read, write, do math, etc. I used to take them to the park, zoo, do crafts, and be more involved with their day to day lives.

Now I work full time, and I don't have them for half the week. It has taken a lot of adjusting on both the kids and myself. I am thinking its harder for me, than them, because kids adjust easier than a grown adult. I hate that they have had to adjust though. I did not want this for them. I wanted them to have a happy home with two parents.

I'm tired, I'm stressed, and sometimes the kids take the brunt of my worries and stress. Thankfully, I now only have one job. I was working two jobs and working ALL the time. It was exhausting. Not to mention the drama MC would and still does try to create. I'm still really busy during the week though, but I am very thankful to have the whole weekend off. Having a 8-5, Monday-Friday job has been the biggest blessing.

Although, I don't know how to deal with the guilt. As I reading my kids their bedtime story, I just wanted to hold them and cry and apologize for not giving them everything they deserve. They deserve a mom who is there for them full time, and I am not saying not working, but one that they can live with all the time. They also deserve that for a father.

On the other hand, they deserve a happy home. One that is not full of anger, stress, tension, and depression. Children are so intuitive, and feed off all those feelings. So, in my mind, I know that this situation is the best thing for their well beings, but my heart wishes they never had to go through the heartbreak of the people they love the most splitting apart.

One positive is that they are young, they will mostly remember mommy and daddy being apart.

It is so hard and so emotional.

All I want is for my children is to be happy, to be loved, and not struggle. Even though I cannot be there for them as much as I would like to be, I want them to know I will always be there for them. They will always be number one. They will come before any man, person, or job.

I found this little prayer on Pinterest, and I this is how I feel every day. I hope they will grow up to be healthy, happy, confident, and loving adults. All I can do is try, and I am going to try my best.

Saturday, June 1, 2013

How to date?

Let's face it. I don't have a ton of dating experience under my belt. I was 18 when I met the man child. I had just graduated high school and had high hopes for my future. I wanted to go pre-med. (We see how that went... yay for being in love and putting education at the bottom of the priority list!) A hot guy lived in the apartment below me, MC, but I never thought we would date.. it happened.

So I never really dated around. I started seeing MC less than a month after I moved in.. and never looked back.

WHY?! haha

Anyway. So I don't know what its like to date. I've been on a few and I'm just left with a feeling of.. meh.

I mean, a free dinner is good, but sometimes the company just sucks.

I will admit, I had a friend who I really liked, who is single (very important!) but I don't know where things are going to go.. maybe that's why I don't feel any sparks with anyone.

Who the hell knows.

I'm not looking to get married right away. I am enjoying being able to do what I want, when I want, and not having to answer to anyone. I can be in a good mood without a certain MC trying to bring me down with him.

Maybe I am scared? I don't trust my instincts?

This is all very confusing and sometimes annoying. I hate going anywhere where there is a bunch of couples, the feeling of loneliness is KILLER. Even though I know if I was still with MC he would be sitting in a corner, not socializing, and being rude to everyone. It was nice to have someone around, even though they were a hermit.

Let's also add that having two kids really cramps your dating style. You have to find a man who is willing to not see you as often as they would like because the kids come first. I guess, I could bring the guy home and he could hang out with the kids and I, but I refuse to do that unless I know that they will  be in it for more than two or three weeks. Its confusing to the kids, and they deserve a life that is simple and drama free.

And let's not mention, oh wait, I am... the wives who are worried that you are going to try and seduce their husbands. That's fun! I'm sorry that I am a somewhat attractive female who is single, but let me assure you, I am not a home wrecker. I have no interest in attempting to break a family apart. Honestly, that makes me feel like shit, and its not even worth going to parties.

Saying all that, would I go back to MC? Hell to the no.

I wish I had a crystal ball or something to tell me what my life is going to look like in the future. Will I find someone who builds me up, who is funny, who loves me for me? Or will I forever be alone, wanting to knock a bitch out who gives me a rude look because I dare to show up at a party without a date.

Have a seat..

This is going to possibly be the longest introductory post on a blog ever. Or I might get tired and call it a night, leaving everyone on pins and needles, longing to finish reading about how I ended up divorced at 30 with two kids. (It's not that interesting)

 A long time ago, like, 12 years ago, I met a man, more boy than man, so we'll call him Man Child. I was all of 18 years old, just moved out of my parents house and went to college to live on my own. I met the man child (MC) while moving in, he was in the apartment below my shitty roommate's and my apartment. (She is shitty, not the apartment.. just in case I did not make that grammatically correct).

Anyway. Man-Child and I, date. It was not the easiest relationship. We both had lots going on in our lives to complicate things. I was dealing with severe depression. He was dealing with a very sick mother, who passed away a couple of months after we started dating.(So just for future reference to anyone, including myself, starting a relationship when you both have major issues, is PROBABLY not going to end well.) Somehow, we make it 18 months and get married. I was young, dumb and naive. No other way to put it. You live and learn, right?

We fought. A LOT. He threatened to divorce me the first week we were married. So yeah, not the healthiest marriage, but what can you expect from a 20 year and an emotionally stunted MC?

 MC was and still is a very unhappy person. It took me 11 years to realize that I was never going to make him happy. I learned the very hard lesson that only you can make yourself happy, and me trying to conform to his thoughts on a perfect relationship was not cutting it any longer. So I made the very tough decision to rip our little family apart and move on.

 We moved to Hawaii in 2010 for my husband's job, and yes, he is military, in case you are wondering. And to answer a lot of people's questions - the military did NOT have anything to do with why we split up. I love the military lifestyle, and am sad to see it end.

 I was conflicted on moving, because we had two small kids and I wanted to be able to visit family as much as possible. MC wanted an adventure, so I trusted him and off we went to Honolulu. MC hates Hawaii. He refused to enjoy himself. I would beg, plead, ask, nag, everything for him to suck it up and enjoy the temporary time we have in Hawaii. He could never do it. In fact, he told me a year after we moved here that he only moved to Hawaii so he could say he lived here, he knew he would hate it.

Nice, right? I shouldn't have been surprised, he HATES the beach. He hates traffic. He finds all the negative he can find and sucks the joy out of everyone around him. I'm not the only one to notice this, so please do not think I am being a bitter ex-wife. (I'm not, I swear)

To make this end a lot sooner, I got tired of being with a negative MC who bitched all the time. Nothing I could say or do could make him happy. After 11.5 years of trying to make someone happy, I gave up on the idea of making him happy. Which in turn, made me really happy.

I'm a much calmer, positive person now. I have some horrible days, divorce isn't easy for anyone, but knowing that I am not with someone who made me and the kids so on edge is gratifying. It makes all the shit I've dealt with that past 9 months, a LITTLE bit easier. It's nice to live in a joyful home and not one full of negativity and tension.

That's all I got for now. I'm sleepy. One day, I'll add bits and pieces to the story, but I am really trying to make this short and sweet.

 So here I am. 30(!?) years old, single, and living in Hawaii. We got two awesome kids out of the marriage who give me the strength and courage to get out there and get shit done. I recently got a great new job, and the people I work for are awesome. I have a cute little home in one of the cutest towns on Oahu. I'm doing it, my life is slowly coming together.

 I have always blogged in the past, and I want to continue to do so. Maybe one day, my story can help others. I do not want anyone to get divorced, but maybe it will give them some clarity and help them make the decision to stay with their spouse and fight for their marriage, or vice versa.

Life is too short to be unhappy. I'm hoping my next 30 years are amazing, and things are already looking up.